I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
