Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
