I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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