True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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