I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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