Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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