I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
