Are we in a gay sports bar?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
