I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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