new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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