Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
