Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
