My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
