We're like a lot better than the average bears
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
