my vag is so smooth its legendary
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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