Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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