Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize