I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
