Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
