I accidentally had phone sex last night
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
