well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
