at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
