She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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