I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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