I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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