Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
