$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
