If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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