I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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