....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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