I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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