I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
