Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She needs sedatives and a leash
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
