i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
