just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
