Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
