My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
