The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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