I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
