I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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