I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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