so that wasnt chicken after all
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
