Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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