fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
