In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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