Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
