the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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