shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
