In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
