Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
