i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Terrible idea I love it
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
