i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The uberlube is also flammable
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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