I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
