Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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