as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
