First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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