I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
