Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
