Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Houston, we have a blender
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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